community engagement¶
The Deliverable (that isn’t the deliverable you asked for - sorry, just trying something different)¶
This week was hard. Reality was hard. A slap in the face that I don’t belong. A realization that I don’t think I ever will. A realization that there is so much more work to do to make this industry safe for racialized and marginalized folks. Thought this week would be different – expectations are a bitch…
Hey Holon, I know you are the ones responsible for marking this. I hope you understand that I will not be doing the assignment as it was assigned, but instead explaining and expanding upon why I was so upset during the first class and disengaged for the rest of the week.
I hope you see this post as a gift, not as hostile or as an attack as I am often misinterpreted as when I speak (being racialized, on the spectrum, and queer has a lot of great things but this isn’t one of them…). This is an opening for reconciliation, an opportunity for us to use love to understand each other. I hope this post can be the beginning of a relationship for us.
(Please not my use of brackets are often to clarify, make a joke, and break some seriousness - as we all need some levity now and then)
Background - Me & Doing this Master¶
I was (and am!) lucky to be raised in generous, humble, beautiful communities. Ones that taught me many hard truths about the world (see racism, ableism, homophobia, and transphobia) but ones that also taught me the beauty of worlds when we lead with understanding, respect, care, abundance, and love.
I hold these communities & worlds dearly. They are the reason I am & they are the reason I continue to do work. But they are worlds that exist in stark protest to the capitalistic world created by Europe, whiteness, and its colonizing powers. Therefore they are worlds that already live in the apocalypse, operating with less resources than those who abide by the ruling class.
Unfortunately, living & working in worlds like this has meant that I have seen community members, family, & friends struggle to survive (let alone disfruta vida…). I have lost folks because of this forced apocalypse - lives that should not be gone but are due to false scarcity created by colonialism and capitalism. These losses are a large reason I continue to work, because I know they are preventable and I am angry they are continuing to happen.
So a masters discussing emergent futures - this seemed like a way forward. A way to put my academic skills to use and gain more to bring back to my communities. I had been working in service/system design in Canada, but felt stuck in the industry there (it’s tiny & all the design jobs are in tech). I saw this masters and the interesting work happening in Europe and thought that this might be a way forward.
Unfortunately, starting this masters has been disappointing. The people are great - but it really lacks diversity in the educators and references. All perspectives are from a European one, futures already existing in the one Europe has imagined for the world (and let facts be facts, Europe colonized the world, there are Black, Indigenous, and POC educators out here). Week after week, I saw no one who looked like my loved ones or me in the industry and it was discouraging.
But then the week of community engagement came up…
Let’s talk about “the incident”¶
Out of all the weeks we had for this semester, I was the most excited for this one. Community engagement came out of Black, Indigenous, and Queer communities. I thought if anything, this is the week where the worlds that I love can be referenced. This is the week we can talk about colonialism and racism. This is the week we can talk about futures where my loved ones and I even exist.
But be damned, I didn’t even make it into the first hour before the frustration boiled over. Let’s be clear, it wasn’t the stats that made me upset and it wasn’t that I was feeling bad (but hey the shooting at ClubQ did just happen). It was the lack of care and context in the presentation that made me upset.
It wasn’t just you, Markel, that I was upset at. You were just unfortunately the presentation that tipped me over the edge. I’ve sat through presentation-after-presentation of people telling us the world is bad - only focusing on the outcome and not the reasons. Them telling us if we don’t do anything different, we are headed to the apocalypse - ignoring that many of us are already there.
Now, if you don’t hold space and explicitly acknowledge the fact that marginalized folks are living in the apocalypse when you share those states and are transparent you are only showing them to folks who may not have the lived experience to know - it’s tone deaf. I know your reasoning is that we are privileged students to be in that classroom, but that was a bold assumption about our upbringings, not knowing the sacrifices we made to be here and what communities we bring with us to the space.
Then we had to do introductions. This is something that has really caused me problems in this masters. Everytime we introduce ourselves, I am always the odd one out. I am the ONLY one who says their pronouns, pronouns that are notably different from others (I use they/them pronouns). Everyday, I am misgendered - and honestly, people having to think about their pronouns when they introduce themselves actually does help people use them correctly.
So those were only the first slides…. Then the slide about how Holon does work came up and Markel vocally said that most of your work is based on feminist literature, but didn’t reference the literature at all. This was the time and opportunity to bring in references - use without telling us where it came from is just colonialism. Say their names, give reverence to the folks that paved your way - this to me is what is deeply important to community work.
This is where I visibility started crying - now I had been crying beforehand, but I wiped away those tears because I hoped it would get better. I did think about leaving, not sharing that I was really hurt by what was going on. But I knew that would be a disservice. I wanted you to see that you hurt me. I was, and am, done hiding my tears in front of systems and people who have caused harm (the idea that we must hide our emotions is a colonial one, and not representative of who we are as people). It was time for the class to see this and have this discussion - a discussion that had been happening behind closed doors between the Black and POC members in the class.
This is where I feel I should apologize, though. I unintentionally used this as an opportunity to start this conversation. I don’t think you deserved the delivery of how I communicated at that time, as it was particularly venomous. I apologize for how I brought up the conversation, it should’ve been done with more care.
That being said, I still stand by what I said and my decisions to leave afterwards. I also believe I am owed an apology and reconciliation from Holon and specifically Markel. How the situation was dealt with during and after the incident was not well handled.
I chose to leave the class, as I felt you did not actively listen to what I had to say and tried to dismiss me by “thanking” me for my opinion (which honestly isn’t an opinion- it is fact). This may not have been your intention - but has long been a tactic of white people to silence POC. I am also angered that the class afterwards made time to talk about what happened, but no effort has been made by Holon to reach out to me, the person who was hurt.
Then the next day at the beginning of the lecture, Markel asked in front of the whole class, where I was. Which made me feel called out and alienated - almost like you were scared of me. This has been the case for most of my life, when I speak out, people I speak out against act like they are afraid of me - often making me feel less than human, like a monster. I am know I am none of those things, but I don’t feel I was treated with the care I deserved as person (I don’t think many of us are treated with the care we deserve, unfortunately).
Then when I did arrive, Markel came up to me and asked me if I was “feeling better”. Which again, felt patronizing. Like it was my feelings were the problem for the incident in the first place. By now, I hope you understand that is not the case and see my pain as justified.
I walked away from this week truly disheartened, not to mention, that after this incident IAAC’s follow up was both traumatizing, racist, and made me contemplate leaving the masters and design industry.
Ok, so where do we go from here?¶
I know we talked at the design dialogues, and that our conversation was amicable yet awkward. Even after that talk, I cannot say that I hold no hard feelings, in fact, I am still hurt about how all of this was carried out. I have to admit, I would like a verbal apology - but more importantly I want a commitment from Holon to do better.
I am not sure what “doing better” will mean to the firm and to each of you individually. I do not know your experience (or you very much for that manner), but I know many people in Europe have not had these types of conversations about colonization, racialization, and oppression before. By the amount of tiring and basic questions I get from my European peers (though I love them very much, it is a lot of labour), it has been very evident (& extremely disappointing) to me that many people here are at the very beginning of this discussion (which to me is insane because HEY EUROPE you started this).
BUT by writing this post, I am hoping to extend an arm and start dialogue between the both of us. Maybe not particularly on what “doing better” means, but as an opportunity for us to reconcile and move forward. As I am sure this was not a pleasant experience for you either.
Please see this post as not a call out, yet a call in: an opportunity to talk and to build. I hope to use this post and whatever comes out of it as my submission for this week - which I think would be far more meaningful than what was asked to be submitted.
I hope you see this in this manner as well - that I do not mean to shame or punish with what I write. This is just me being transparent and vulnerable, expectant that there will be beauty to come from this. I hope to just lead with love.
Please take your time to read/re-read this post and discuss what your actions will be next. If I do not hear from you (either individually or as a firm) by the end of January, I will assume that no further action is desired, which would be disappointing. I do hope and believe, thought, I will hear from you.
I am whole-heartly awaiting your response.
I wish you love, beauty, and joy.
Warm regards,
Marielle marielle.wall@students.iaac.net
What I created these weeks¶
Digital¶
Spoken¶
Written¶
(am I a poet now?)
What do I get?
you get moments where you see an angry queer person. i get moments where my humanity is questioned.
you get to ask to learn from me. i get thanks for being brave and enlightening you.
you get to take my teachings and mold them into your own world. i get forgotten and my work not credited.
you get money and jobs because you’re more palatable. i get told i’m hard to work with and angry.
you get to go home and forget that the apocalypse still exists. i get to go home and it’s still happening.
you get to thank me for all that i’ve done for you. i get to be the angry queer person.